Fresh Air

Over the course of the last few weeks I have become heavy with frustration. I was angry with my body not being able to perform with how I know it can. I was frustrated that I continue to struggle to find air and manage digestion. I was frustrated that I couldn’t “figure it out”. Managing these frustrations made me also really face the reality of my profession which is so singularly focused on training, sleeping and eating. When the joy of the training is off it is all too easy to be derailed, negative and surrounded by the sense of loss and wonderment of why you are doing all this. It is a slippery slope…

At the track two days ago I was attempting to do mile repeats on a tough but manageable pace. I had done it before and this was just another hard training session. Mile 1 - legs felt ok, mentally was focused and was on pace. Mile 2 – started ok but then the tight feeling where my body works harder and harder to get air set in. Mentally I thought, not already it is only mile 2, please no, stay calm, breathe deeply, relax. I finished but by the end my chest had completely tightened and I knew what was coming. Mile 3 – lasted not more than 200 meters until I was trying so hard to get air down I stopped. I broke in frustration with my body.

Austin is an incredible city. It is vibrant, rich in trees and green space, warm and full of incredible people. It is also notoriously bad for high pollen counts. This coupled with forest fires in west Texas, high winds, high humidity and no break of rain to bring the airborne allergens down a bit is a recipe for disaster for asthmatic and non-asthmatic alike. For me, it just has meant that I can’t breathe.

And so I am off to find fresh air. I want to be able to breathe deeply and have every cell of my body enriched with oxygen. I am off to California where the land is lush with evergreens and the air is clear. As I write it seems dramatic to me and very privileged. It is. Zane reminds me that this is what it is to be professional. Alan reminds me to trust myself and make decisions that will enable me to be the best athlete I can be and have no regrets. I just want to remind myself what it is like to be free in breath and in spirit.